....its in the details

So seriously, I was thinking last night after the first act of Phantom of the Opera that the phantom was the devil. I mean if you have seen the play, then you have seen then really depict the devil. The amber lights in his den, the candelabras, the song about the Angel of Music, belonging to the night, etc. Everything that would describe Lucifer. When I told my daughter Kim, she laughed and quickly disagreed. Kim and Cara both went on to explain their points of view, which made sense. Still though, I am not so sure. Perhaps it is left for everyone to interpret. The proof was in the details, I say.

It was glorious evening and the Pantages is an awesome structure. Kim in her usual fashion, moving at her own speed, arrived in time, and all was good. But she made me nervous.  I hate being late and live by the creed, better never than late.

I've had an incredible celebration so far with each day presenting something new and something celebratory.
I have made nice purchases, have seen some things that I made a point of seeing. Have been around good friends. I have made and eaten wonderful food and I feel so blessed. God continues to prove that everyday is a great day, in or out of a celebration.

Halloween weekend. I hope to go to the matinee to see Secretariat. I plan to decorate my house, buy candy and just scare the shit out of trick or treaters.  We usually do an awesome job at decorating, to where people will stop by the next day or whatever and tell us how spooky the house was.

Thanks for reading.  Weigh in with your ideas about who the Phantom is supposed to be. 

16 days to 50. Yes!

nl

..............Rhema

Dear Readers:
I wrote this blog about a month ago and for reasons that I cannot recall now, I never posted it.

October 
This blog may be a bit heavy. I'm in a somewhat reflective mood, so I'm sorry if I disappoint you but I really want to share this. Please don't go. Even if you finish reading this and cannot relate to any of it, I appreciate that you gave it time. If you do go, come back another day.

I've been thinking of the word Middle. As in middle of the road, the Mid-Life, not really belonging, fence walking, you get the picture.  I started thinking about this because as I read a bit before my bible study class, the word middle and the multiple references to being in a center and not really belonging kept coming up. Being who I am, it was easy to zero in on the word and think it through. Also, and maybe of some relevance, I am fourth of seven children and the middle child. Although I gotta say, there is nothing about my childhood that was different than anyone else's childhood. Shame, all the studies done for years on middle children and their behavior patterns, and I cannot relate to any of it.

I feel in the middle too. The middle of life, the middle of a career, the middle of unfinished projects, the middle of this celebration. But finally, here's what I really want to share with you. I am a woman of deep and unwavering faith. Like in a literal sense. Like He is the living God and is here with me right now as I write this. Not just in a way that makes Him beyond what we can see or off in some far off distance. I believe in Salvation. I believe that Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary, died for my sins and yours by the way, and rose again. I believe in the Holy Trinity. And most importantly I believe that He will return. I believe it with all my heart and soul and know that He is real and that He is the living God.   Rhema!

Ok, so whats the problem ? Few people know this about me and I wonder why. Maybe I hide it?  Maybe out of fear of being judged by it, maybe out of fear that I am somehow risking acceptance. I have decided that I am one of those people who can conveniently  adapt her character to the very ground she's standing on. How disgusting is that?  But I don't want to be that person and I vow today to quit it. I don't want to be in the middle. I want to be on the side that internally I am already on. I want to grab you by the shoulder and say, "Hey, God loves you and wants you to call on Him and accept Him". He does not care that you are gay, or an alcoholic, or cheated on your spouse. You are forgiven. He only wants you to accept all the wonderful blessings He has for you. Trust in Him. Call on Him. He is waiting for you and will wait until your last dying breath. These are the things I want to say but never do. Not to anyone who needs to hear it anyway, I only say it to people who are already believers. But what good does that do? Those people have already heard the message. I need to reach out to my many family members who have not.

Middle..I think that the reason the word  Mid-life is used is because we who are in this age are sort of in an age where we are getting it together. Sort of like in Acts used in a play.  Act I or the beginning, is the life where we make the most mistakes I believe, where we usually find our mates, go to school, etc. Act II is the life where we have kids and stabilize our lives in some way with a career possibly, and spend alot of time trying to be Mom, wife and everything else we are commanded to be. And I suspect Act III is the one where we are done with all of it and we essentially cruise. Cruise, I like that word. Being Mexican and all, cruising is in my blood so I can't wait for Act III.

Act II is undoubtedly the most difficult. As women, it becomes the part where we become menopausal and very hormonal.  But, this is also the Act where we become mothers. I love my kids so much it hurts and I can sit here and honestly say that while I wish I had been a better mom, I truly gave it my all. I was a conscious parent. I was engaged in what was happening at all times and I was very protective of them. My kids went to catholic school during their formative years, so that called for alot of interaction. Thanks to their Dad, they played organized sports and really embraced it. They developed a love for exercise and fitness that they will always have. But it also meant that I logged in countless hours and miles driving all over So. Cal to organized sporting events. For years we would get up Saturday or Sunday mornings and drive to tournaments.  It was tiring and I could not wait for it to end. But, when it finally did end, I was left with an empty feeling and like something was missing. It was my husband who finally said that my problem was that I was having gym withdrawals.  Bingo!  It was also the time I learned to loathe the 405 Freeway with every inch of my being and still do. I'd rather chew on a rusty nail than drive that freeway.

I can only hope that my kids will one day recognize that I did my best for who I am. See, I admit that I am not the brightest bulb in the lamp and I know this.  At my age, I know what my capacity is. I know who I am and I also know where the areas are that exceed what I know. I gotta tell you though, its really free-ing to be able to say, I really don't know how to do that or I'm just not good in that area. Like computers.
I will be the first to say, I know how to use MY computer well. I know how to use MY programs, or get on Facebook, or bet on horse races online. I know that. But..I can't seem to program my iPhone the way I want. I can't program the DVD player and truth is, there are so many things I just can't do on a computer. I went through the tutorial twice just to figure out how to blog. First, I had to ask..what's a blog. I asked this question of my son Marty who never rolls his eyes, at least not where I can see them and has taught me alot.
I'm not sure where to take this post so I will end it here. I'm at work and had an awesome lunch with wonderful people who told me they are reading my blog. I am lucky to know them.  I did talk a little about how exposing this blog is. I have spilled quite a bit of beans here, which brings me to another point about Act II.  I figured out that somewhere along the line, I stopped worrying about exposing myself.(well not literally anyway).  I think so many of us are so guarded. Almost as if we fear that if someone gets to know the real us, they will not love us anymore. So we keep everyone at arms length. That's so normal right?  So whats wrong with showing the real us to a few people. If I have said something that someone is not going to like, then they will stop being my friend and I will be saddened by that. But am I better off? Probably. Isn't life conditional enough already? I think so.

Oh, I know. At the urging of my friend Ed, I will write a limerick here and say goodbye for now.

There once was a guy named Pewter
Who rode around on a Scooter
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And use his ass as a hooter!

nl

.......I'm back

Yes, its been awhile but I am back.  My absence obviously has been noticed which tells me most importantly, that I am not talking to myself and that someone besides CaraJane is actually reading this. So yay!  My heart leapt when my beautiful friend The Divine Ms. Em chimed in reminding me to post. She too is obviously reading and I love her for it.

So where have I been you ask?  Living is the answer. I have been busy with work and vacation and I went to Santa Barbara for a few days to an HR Seminar.  Things have gotten in the way of this celebration. But you know what I have figured out.  This whole "all about me" thing with my upcoming 50th has revealed that somehow things are not that different. It would seem, I am embarrased to say, that things often are all about me. With or without the celebration. Becoming conscious of it only served to bring to light how truly selfish and narcissistic I can be. How long have I been like this?  How do I have friends that still want to talk to me?
Can I just issue a blanket apology for my behavior now?  

I am a lover of the written word and always have been. I love to read and if not physically, mentally I am always writing something. Often its a dirty limerick, (usually about a dude from Nantucket) sometimes its a lyric to a song, sometimes its a letter to someone that I want to say something to, but don't have the nerve. Whatever it is, I promise to get  better and keep up with this blog.

Before I forget...an update on the hair extensions. They are gone!  As someone who has never really been a fusser with her hair, the extensions were more than I bargained for. In the end and after a very brief stint in my life, they became dreadlocks so I had Dora cut them off.  That said, I loved having long hair, I just want it to be my own hair. I will strive for that. I'm suppose to massage my scalp to stimulate the growth. (I feel like I should write something that rhymes with that sentence).

Currently I am 26 days away from my 50th.  I continue to be excited and anxious. Its like somehow things will be different for me. I don't know why, but I feel like I will truly close a door to something. I had lunch with my two friends today, which by the way both are now 50 themselves and I look at these women and think they are not any different now, so what makes me think that I will be. The answer is I don't know but I know I will be. I have been sort of waiting to turn a chapter in my life, a chapter with some really dark pages in it.

Life has not always been easy for me. Mostly because I have made some really stupid mistakes. I truly have. But I have learned from them and while sometimes I do regress, most of the time, I try to not do things that are going to fuck things up anymore. I told my friends today at lunch that I don't have a single memory in the 1990's worth remembering that they are not a part of. But while it was fun, it was also a very sad and difficult time for me. I was already single with three kids who never knew the truth about things. They never knew that often times, I might have had only $20.00 to last till my next pay check. They probably never understood why I did not take them to the mall or to the movies or anything like that. I tried to hide all that from them and I think I did  a pretty good job of it. The thing is that we made it. I have this belief that our friendships and relationships are not accidental. Everyone is in our life when exactly they need to be. I have a few people to thank for helping me get through that period.  I'll name them now. David S, Ruben M, Lois Y, Deb B, Deb W, Ken C, CaraJane A, the ladies from St. Anthony's school, Joanne K, Arminda, Manny O, Tio Jaime, and Al. These people were in one way or another there for me and my kids when the waves that brought poverty and some very difficult times came and I remain indebted to these people forever. 

I have celebrated every day one way or another like I said I would. I have done it in the way of purchases, trips, mending fences with people, making new friends, or just by trying to be a better person. I feel good when I can be more patient, when I am not so quick to judge or criticize someone and especially when I don't opinionate. The last one has been the hardest. I just might be unrecognizable by the time this celebration is over. Well, except for the potato body, you can spot that at a hundred paces.Which brings me to this thought. I decided that when I die, I will not enter heaven until I am given a new body. Thats just the way it is. I think there should be a request form that should be filled out before hand too. I would ask for longer hair, better teeth, a flat stomach and most definitely, longer legs. If I am going to have eternal life, I want it in a body that I like. That should not be too much to ask for is it?

So the celebration continues.

Goodnite my friends.

PS  That damn grizzly bear is snoring on my sofa. Good grief, even the dog has left the room. I used to leave him sleeping uncovered so when he got cold he'd come to bed. But. I have wised up you see. I cover him now and make him comfy so he doesn't wake up and stays on the sofa.

...........Same Same

God, this may make some of you cringe, but I got home early and decided that I would ...wait for it...plan my Thanksgiving menu. Ahhhh!! Yes, I am that person who already has a turkey frozen for the event and not only that, I also have my Christmas' Standing Rib Roast purchased, wrapped and frozen. Within the next few days, I will start writing out my Christmas cards. Why do I do this?  Am I sick? Do I need a life? Am I just organized?  I suppose some you might say that I'm organized, but all you need to do is look in my night stand drawers to find all the evidence to the contrary. Jimmy Hoffa may be residing in there, its that messy.
In any event, I am getting ready for the holidays. And maybe its the cook in me that loves reading magazines at this of the year for new ideas, new pictures of food, maybe a new salad recipe. Although in the end, I, like you, will probably make and eat exactly what I did last year and the year before that. Its that old addage, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

The past few days have been fun. I am feeling so good, well except for these allergies. I started a cleaning, lets-get-rid-of-this-clutter project some time last month. I am methodically going through drawers, closets and whatever has not been touched in 6 months is so outta here. The last one will be Mike's closet.
Let me ask you this..why do men feel the need to keep every box they meet? I mean seriously.  He has 3 or 4 boxes from cell phones three years back. The Wii box is in there. Two Xbox boxes are in there. The little packets guitar strings come in. All empty and collecting dust. Why? He says to just leave them alone. Thats like the worse thing to say to a woman because its like a challenge. So he's forcing me to resort to very wife-like underhanded tactics. Wait till he's gone and then throw them out. Anyway, I always enjoy my time getting my house in order as wierd as that may seem.


Today is Monday and you may not know this, but Mondays are my day off. I don't cook, do laundry, get the mail, nothing. I only do what I want. Sometimes, we go to the movies or shopping.  Sometimes, like today I came home, had coffee we bought at Starbucks and took a nap. Waited for Mike to come home and asked him to make chicken tacos. Its been wonderful.

If this is your first time reading, on the left side is an archive of older posts. Just click the drop down menu and highlight one to read from the past. If only life were like that. Imagine if we all had the power to click, highlight and delete or keep things from our past. How cool would that be? To be able to delete the bonehead  mistakes from the first 49 years, and start the second half with  a clean slate would be awesome. Like a super duper mega mulligan.

What would I keep? I would keep all the memories I have of my grandma, my mom and my brothers and sisters. The lives of my kids and most definitely all the memories I have of the 90's. I would keep the memory of my sisters' dress she wore at her quincenaera in 1974. (lol).  I would keep the memory of the first cake making contest I won when I was eight. I would keep the memory of the best job I ever had as a short order cook when I was 17. My first car. The birth of my niece Irene. And of course, I would keep all the memories of Dan.

What would I delete?  Would it be the time I woke up on a park bench at Soule Park after a night of heavy teenage drinking?  Aaa..yeah.  Would it be the time I stole the big flag from the USA gas station on a dare?  Oh yes. Absolutely. I would delete the time I ran over this guys foot with my car at the Airshow and all the pot I smoked.  I would delete the time I crashed my neighbors minibike, all the fist fights I have ever been in and all the fattening foods I've eaten.  And of course I would delete all the memories of Dan.

Can you imagine, I'd get carpal tunnel from all the clicking. Hey when life gave me lemons, I made lemonade. Today, when life gives me lemons, I buy tequila. Same Same.

Goodnite.

the race...,

I did not mean to buy a new sectional for my family room today. All I intended to buy was bittersweet chocolate for some cookies I am experimenting with. I set out early for that pedicure I have been trying to get for literally weeks now, but something then happened and at the end of the day I have a new sectional in my family room. I had been looking for one for well over a year now but could not find one that Mike could fit on comfortably and that was reasonably priced.

As I sat there waiting for them to bring the furniture to the door, I started thinking about something the Phlebotomist said to me last week while he pretended that I was a pin cushion and I pretended that he knew what he was doing. He said I was entering the "golden years". Ok, so what does that mean? Is that some sort of exclusive club? Why are they called golden?  Will I suddenly figure out how not to spend every penny I have and become rich? Will I start to lose the crowns on my teeth and have to replace them with gold ones? I remember the show the Golden Girls, but those women were like in their 60's and 70's right?
Isn't 50 now the new 40?  I'm not yet eligible for the Senior Citizen discount at KMart so whats up with this guy telling me I'm entering the golden years?  Must be a metaphor. But for what?
You know what, who cares, if I catch that guy on the street, I'm gonna kick his ass. That was not a nice thing to say.  

Here's what I do know, I loved being in my forties.  Physiologically speaking, some wierd shit started happening. Menopause reared its ugly head and suddenly I felt like I would spontaneously combust from the hot flashes.  My sex drive (which has never been weak) is now in the stratosphere and still climbing. Doc said the other day this is normal for some women. Holy Shit!
My boobs began a race to see which one could reach my waist first. And, the best part, I'm totally amused by it all. I embrace this menopause and I think all women should. Its really very entertaining. I loved being in my forties and I will love being in my 50's.

Thing is, I don't feel 50.  I feel young, really young and I have no intention of ever acting my age.
I feel alive and strong. Energetic and driven. I love riding my bike with my Ipod on full blast. I love basketball and find that I am so excited that the regular season will start on October 26th. My beloved Lakers will hang yet another Championship banner and I will be there to see it happen. I switched from Time Warner to Directv because I need the NFL Network. I need to be able to watch the Carolina Panthers play. Watching the highlights just will not do. And thats another thing, at this age, I will not be inconvenienced anymore. I want what I want when I want it. Period. And thats ok.

This is a great age. I welcome it, well almost all of it. The boob race, no bueno. I plan to have surgery to remedy that situation and help them find the finish line. Pronto.

Gotta go. Gonna research an issue I have with my Croissants. Besides, the grizzly bear is back.

Goodnite.

...............the whole forest..

Sorry I have not written. I have tried for days now but things just seem to have gotten in the way. But I'm back now. I have experienced alot of things gettting in the way of other things lately. Not sure why either. 


I'm feeling better mentally and I know this because I am missing my rolling pin. Might seem a little wierd, but I'm serious about this. Most mornings, as I begin the transition from the peace of slumber into the sure-as-shit chaos of life, I have come to rely on a few constants. Now that I have these dread locks I have inadvertenly added another. But the four that I had before were the crowing of a rooster; the smell of cow shit and the grizzly bear masquerading as my husband snoring next to me. But, the best constant is/was that up to about a month ago, I would get up every single morning and bake something. Usually I make cookies but sometimes I would bake my morning Chocolate Chip Orange Scones. The cookie recipe is tried and tested and not going to get any better but the scones and a few other pastries are still a work in progress. Anyway about a month ago or so, I stopped thinking about cooking and baking altogether. This was the first sign that something was wrong. At first I told myself that I had just burned myself out but after a few weeks and still no interest and actually a complete loss of interest in alot of other things I decided I should talk to my doctor. I wont bore anyone with the rest of the story, but suffice to say that my hormone patch is now the size of  band-aid. Pretty soon its gonna be the size of a tire patch. Oh well, this ass that's in a constant growth spurt will be able to accomodate any size patch I'm sure. But, I'm feeling better and tonite, I read through my notes of unfinished recipes and picked two for testing tomorrow.

Since we last talked, I have purchased a new curling iron and a bunch of makeup. I went out for coffee and had a lovely lunch date with my friend Erica. Oh yeah, the pumps arrived today. Wouldn't you know it, just my luck that hubby stayed home because he's sick and because someone had to wait for the directv guy. So he recieved the box from the UPS dude. Said not a word, just left the box on the counter. The pumps are beautiful and very comfy.

The grizzly bear has assumed his natural night time pose and is in the "purring" stage of the snoring process. After a while he's gonna sound like a Honda motor from a mini bike. Soon enough he will rev it up and start to sound like a lawnmower. After that and in the final stage of the process, I swear he will sound like a souped up Chevy with tailpipes. Inevitably he will wake himself up and say 
"did I saw a few logs honey" ? to which I usually reply, "saw a few logs?..you cut down the whole fucking forest".

Goodnite.

 Update on the extensions
I'm thinking they are giving me an FF look. Not sure how I feel about that.




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