..............Rhema

Dear Readers:
I wrote this blog about a month ago and for reasons that I cannot recall now, I never posted it.

October 
This blog may be a bit heavy. I'm in a somewhat reflective mood, so I'm sorry if I disappoint you but I really want to share this. Please don't go. Even if you finish reading this and cannot relate to any of it, I appreciate that you gave it time. If you do go, come back another day.

I've been thinking of the word Middle. As in middle of the road, the Mid-Life, not really belonging, fence walking, you get the picture.  I started thinking about this because as I read a bit before my bible study class, the word middle and the multiple references to being in a center and not really belonging kept coming up. Being who I am, it was easy to zero in on the word and think it through. Also, and maybe of some relevance, I am fourth of seven children and the middle child. Although I gotta say, there is nothing about my childhood that was different than anyone else's childhood. Shame, all the studies done for years on middle children and their behavior patterns, and I cannot relate to any of it.

I feel in the middle too. The middle of life, the middle of a career, the middle of unfinished projects, the middle of this celebration. But finally, here's what I really want to share with you. I am a woman of deep and unwavering faith. Like in a literal sense. Like He is the living God and is here with me right now as I write this. Not just in a way that makes Him beyond what we can see or off in some far off distance. I believe in Salvation. I believe that Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary, died for my sins and yours by the way, and rose again. I believe in the Holy Trinity. And most importantly I believe that He will return. I believe it with all my heart and soul and know that He is real and that He is the living God.   Rhema!

Ok, so whats the problem ? Few people know this about me and I wonder why. Maybe I hide it?  Maybe out of fear of being judged by it, maybe out of fear that I am somehow risking acceptance. I have decided that I am one of those people who can conveniently  adapt her character to the very ground she's standing on. How disgusting is that?  But I don't want to be that person and I vow today to quit it. I don't want to be in the middle. I want to be on the side that internally I am already on. I want to grab you by the shoulder and say, "Hey, God loves you and wants you to call on Him and accept Him". He does not care that you are gay, or an alcoholic, or cheated on your spouse. You are forgiven. He only wants you to accept all the wonderful blessings He has for you. Trust in Him. Call on Him. He is waiting for you and will wait until your last dying breath. These are the things I want to say but never do. Not to anyone who needs to hear it anyway, I only say it to people who are already believers. But what good does that do? Those people have already heard the message. I need to reach out to my many family members who have not.

Middle..I think that the reason the word  Mid-life is used is because we who are in this age are sort of in an age where we are getting it together. Sort of like in Acts used in a play.  Act I or the beginning, is the life where we make the most mistakes I believe, where we usually find our mates, go to school, etc. Act II is the life where we have kids and stabilize our lives in some way with a career possibly, and spend alot of time trying to be Mom, wife and everything else we are commanded to be. And I suspect Act III is the one where we are done with all of it and we essentially cruise. Cruise, I like that word. Being Mexican and all, cruising is in my blood so I can't wait for Act III.

Act II is undoubtedly the most difficult. As women, it becomes the part where we become menopausal and very hormonal.  But, this is also the Act where we become mothers. I love my kids so much it hurts and I can sit here and honestly say that while I wish I had been a better mom, I truly gave it my all. I was a conscious parent. I was engaged in what was happening at all times and I was very protective of them. My kids went to catholic school during their formative years, so that called for alot of interaction. Thanks to their Dad, they played organized sports and really embraced it. They developed a love for exercise and fitness that they will always have. But it also meant that I logged in countless hours and miles driving all over So. Cal to organized sporting events. For years we would get up Saturday or Sunday mornings and drive to tournaments.  It was tiring and I could not wait for it to end. But, when it finally did end, I was left with an empty feeling and like something was missing. It was my husband who finally said that my problem was that I was having gym withdrawals.  Bingo!  It was also the time I learned to loathe the 405 Freeway with every inch of my being and still do. I'd rather chew on a rusty nail than drive that freeway.

I can only hope that my kids will one day recognize that I did my best for who I am. See, I admit that I am not the brightest bulb in the lamp and I know this.  At my age, I know what my capacity is. I know who I am and I also know where the areas are that exceed what I know. I gotta tell you though, its really free-ing to be able to say, I really don't know how to do that or I'm just not good in that area. Like computers.
I will be the first to say, I know how to use MY computer well. I know how to use MY programs, or get on Facebook, or bet on horse races online. I know that. But..I can't seem to program my iPhone the way I want. I can't program the DVD player and truth is, there are so many things I just can't do on a computer. I went through the tutorial twice just to figure out how to blog. First, I had to ask..what's a blog. I asked this question of my son Marty who never rolls his eyes, at least not where I can see them and has taught me alot.
I'm not sure where to take this post so I will end it here. I'm at work and had an awesome lunch with wonderful people who told me they are reading my blog. I am lucky to know them.  I did talk a little about how exposing this blog is. I have spilled quite a bit of beans here, which brings me to another point about Act II.  I figured out that somewhere along the line, I stopped worrying about exposing myself.(well not literally anyway).  I think so many of us are so guarded. Almost as if we fear that if someone gets to know the real us, they will not love us anymore. So we keep everyone at arms length. That's so normal right?  So whats wrong with showing the real us to a few people. If I have said something that someone is not going to like, then they will stop being my friend and I will be saddened by that. But am I better off? Probably. Isn't life conditional enough already? I think so.

Oh, I know. At the urging of my friend Ed, I will write a limerick here and say goodbye for now.

There once was a guy named Pewter
Who rode around on a Scooter
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And use his ass as a hooter!

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