Yes, its been awhile but I am back. My absence obviously has been noticed which tells me most importantly, that I am not talking to myself and that someone besides CaraJane is actually reading this. So yay! My heart leapt when my beautiful friend The Divine Ms. Em chimed in reminding me to post. She too is obviously reading and I love her for it.
So where have I been you ask? Living is the answer. I have been busy with work and vacation and I went to Santa Barbara for a few days to an HR Seminar. Things have gotten in the way of this celebration. But you know what I have figured out. This whole "all about me" thing with my upcoming 50th has revealed that somehow things are not that different. It would seem, I am embarrased to say, that things often are all about me. With or without the celebration. Becoming conscious of it only served to bring to light how truly selfish and narcissistic I can be. How long have I been like this? How do I have friends that still want to talk to me?
Can I just issue a blanket apology for my behavior now?
I am a lover of the written word and always have been. I love to read and if not physically, mentally I am always writing something. Often its a dirty limerick, (usually about a dude from Nantucket) sometimes its a lyric to a song, sometimes its a letter to someone that I want to say something to, but don't have the nerve. Whatever it is, I promise to get better and keep up with this blog.
Before I forget...an update on the hair extensions. They are gone! As someone who has never really been a fusser with her hair, the extensions were more than I bargained for. In the end and after a very brief stint in my life, they became dreadlocks so I had Dora cut them off. That said, I loved having long hair, I just want it to be my own hair. I will strive for that. I'm suppose to massage my scalp to stimulate the growth. (I feel like I should write something that rhymes with that sentence).
Currently I am 26 days away from my 50th. I continue to be excited and anxious. Its like somehow things will be different for me. I don't know why, but I feel like I will truly close a door to something. I had lunch with my two friends today, which by the way both are now 50 themselves and I look at these women and think they are not any different now, so what makes me think that I will be. The answer is I don't know but I know I will be. I have been sort of waiting to turn a chapter in my life, a chapter with some really dark pages in it.
Life has not always been easy for me. Mostly because I have made some really stupid mistakes. I truly have. But I have learned from them and while sometimes I do regress, most of the time, I try to not do things that are going to fuck things up anymore. I told my friends today at lunch that I don't have a single memory in the 1990's worth remembering that they are not a part of. But while it was fun, it was also a very sad and difficult time for me. I was already single with three kids who never knew the truth about things. They never knew that often times, I might have had only $20.00 to last till my next pay check. They probably never understood why I did not take them to the mall or to the movies or anything like that. I tried to hide all that from them and I think I did a pretty good job of it. The thing is that we made it. I have this belief that our friendships and relationships are not accidental. Everyone is in our life when exactly they need to be. I have a few people to thank for helping me get through that period. I'll name them now. David S, Ruben M, Lois Y, Deb B, Deb W, Ken C, CaraJane A, the ladies from St. Anthony's school, Joanne K, Arminda, Manny O, Tio Jaime, and Al. These people were in one way or another there for me and my kids when the waves that brought poverty and some very difficult times came and I remain indebted to these people forever.
I have celebrated every day one way or another like I said I would. I have done it in the way of purchases, trips, mending fences with people, making new friends, or just by trying to be a better person. I feel good when I can be more patient, when I am not so quick to judge or criticize someone and especially when I don't opinionate. The last one has been the hardest. I just might be unrecognizable by the time this celebration is over. Well, except for the potato body, you can spot that at a hundred paces.Which brings me to this thought. I decided that when I die, I will not enter heaven until I am given a new body. Thats just the way it is. I think there should be a request form that should be filled out before hand too. I would ask for longer hair, better teeth, a flat stomach and most definitely, longer legs. If I am going to have eternal life, I want it in a body that I like. That should not be too much to ask for is it?
So the celebration continues.
Goodnite my friends.
PS That damn grizzly bear is snoring on my sofa. Good grief, even the dog has left the room. I used to leave him sleeping uncovered so when he got cold he'd come to bed. But. I have wised up you see. I cover him now and make him comfy so he doesn't wake up and stays on the sofa.
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